10 years ago. It will have been 10 years on March 19th. It's so hard to believe that the time has already passed that fast, yet at the same time it still feels like forever and a day ago. It was the day that my life changed forever.
It was the day my daddy was taken from this earth.
It was a horrible time in my life and, despite how "put together" my life since has seemed afterwards, there has always been this deep-rooted pain that resides in my heart - a hole that will never again be filled. The jolts of pain have diminished throughout the years, but have never completely gone. It will never completely go away.
I think about all of things he has missed in my life - going to high school, teaching me to drive, interrogating my first boyfriend (and all of them after that), seeing me off to prom, awards nights, high school graduation, hearing about my scholarship, sending me off to college for the first time, meeting Dan, getting my associate of arts and now my associate of applied science in ECE...of course, then I realize he's smiling down on me from Heaven. But even so, I want him to someday give me away at my wedding, see his grandchildren...all of that stuff.
It is a somber and sad time right now in my life, and I have noticed I've been much more irritable than normal. For that, I do apologize to anyone it has affected. I'm trying my best to control that. Its just hard to go through my day realizing what I have lost...especially this time of year. He was my daddy.
I think about all the words I could have said and didn't or those that I did say and shouldn't. All the times I was angry with G-d and at myself. Thankfully those times have passed and I am much wiser about the whole thing. I've realized now that everything happens for a reason (something that I firmly believe!). Sad to say, if it wasn't for my father passing I might not have ever come to North Central, never have met my best friends, never met Dan, and maybe wouldn't even be in the career field that I've chosen to go into. I may not have gotten a job at the bookstore and met my most wonderful co-workers that G-d could have ever blessed me with! And, I probably would have never become a Messianic believe in Messiah Yeshua. I cannot imagine my life without this solid and real belief in my Abba. I may not have even believed at this point. In all my life, my faith has never been stronger than it is at this moment. I love it.
That's not to say that I would never want my father back. Of course I would do just about anything to have even one more day with him. I miss him terribly. What I wouldn't give to tell him I love him once more, to show him the young woman that I've become, for him to meet (and interrogate) Dan...all of it. My only solace is in the fact that one day I will meet him again.
I am always thankful, but this time of year I am even more thankful to have such wonderful friends surrounding me every day and a wonderful boyfriend to lift my spirits when they are low. My friends have done so every day lately whether or not they realize it. They were truly sent to me by my Abba and I have never been more thankful. Dan, Amber, Lou, John, and Tessa - thank you for helping me each and every day. Of course, there are numerous others that have made me smile without even realizing it; pulling me out of despair even if only for a minute or two helped greatly.
Of course, my family has always been there for me from the beginning, sharing in my grief. I love them so much and I also know that they were sent by my Adonai!
I will not say that things have been easy in the past 10 years. They have been a struggle and there have been many dark moments. There were many times that I didn't know what I was going to do...there were many times that I didn't even care. But the whole experience has made me into the person that I am today. It's been a long, hard road but I am finally happy with how everything in my life is. So, while I am mourning the passing of my father, I am also reminded of the things in my life that I do have now.
Yis'ga'dal v'yis'kadash sh'may ra'bbo, b'olmo dee'vro chir'usay v'yamlich malchu'say, b'chayaychon uv'yomay'chon uv'chayay d'chol bais Yisroel, ba'agolo u'viz'man koriv; v'imru Omein.
Y'hay shmay rabbo m'vorach l'olam ul'olmay olmayo.
Yisborach v'yishtabach v'yispoar v'yisromam v'yismasay, v'yishador v'yis'aleh v'yisalal, shmay d'kudsho, brich hu, l'aylo min kl birchoso v'sheeroso, tush'bechoso v'nechemoso, da,ameeran b'olmo; vimru Omein.
Y'hay shlomo rabbo min sh'mayo, v'chayim alaynu v'al kol Yisroel; v'imru Omein.
Oseh sholom bimromov, hu ya'aseh sholom olaynu, v'al kol yisroel; vimru Omein.
May the great Name of God be exalted and sanctified, throughout the world, which he has created according to his will. May his Kingship be established in your lifetime and in your days, and in the lifetime of the entire household of Israel, swiftly and in the near future; and say, Amen.May his great name be blessed, forever and ever.
Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled, honored elevated and lauded be the Name of the holy one, Blessed is he- above and beyond any blessings and hymns, Praises and consolations which are uttered in the world; and say Amen. May there be abundant peace from Heaven, and life, upon us and upon all Israel; and say, Amen.
